Season of Faiths Perfection

What is faith? The bible says in Hebrews 11:1 that "faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." To me this means that faith is not a vague hope grounded in wishful thinking. Rather, faith is is a settled confidence that the promises of God will come to pass. And this faith, that is unshakable, is perfected through Jesus as we become more and more like Christ through the Holy Spirit. Hebrews 12:1 describes this process by saying "let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus as the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."

 I was reading about the sermon on the mountain yesterday (Matthew 5), using the Message translation. Matthew 5:4 says "You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you." For sometime, I have been going through trials where my false identities and idols have been challenged. The height of this internal war was revealed while Sarah and I were in Hawaii last December.

 We were walking along Waikiki beach at dusk and I had a breakdown. In the end, I was crying on the beach, head on Sarah's shoulder. What brought me to tears was my the pain I felt when I realized that one of my dreams was now unattainable. For a few years, I had played with the idea of joining the Navy, with my ultimate goal of becoming a SEAL. I started training when I was ~26 and was consistently dominating the PST (physical fitness test). However, I always came back to the realization that the special forces life would come with significant sacrifices with respect to my marriage with Sarah. I could never bring myself to enlist and on my best days, remembered this conviction. However, on bad days, like this time in Hawaii, it is devastating to acknowledge a dream that will not come to fruition.

 I think the SEALs would be a fit for me. I am intense, athletic, team-oriented, type-A, aggressive, and dominant. However, when I peel back the layers, I think I looked to this goal/accomplishment, as well as others (i.e. becoming a homeowner, being married, being single again, making $100k, etc.) as a source of purpose and satisfaction. As I sat on the Waikiki crying that night in December, while pain, disappointment, and regret boiled up from my soul, I also felt a deep serenity from the faith that I have in the world to come. While my faith is still being perfected, I experienced a glimpse of Christ in that moment as I realized that nothing I put my hope in, outside of Christ, can satisfy.